walls or windows

Seems no matter which way I turn there are walls or windows. I take pleasure in turning to God for answers; I do admit, i wish the answers were more clear. I think sometimes they are as ‘clear as windows’ but I am missing it. I taught myself, that when I beg pray for things to ‘go my way’, and they don’t, that it just means that the answer is simply, NO. I came to terms that, the one person that I adored more than anyone else in my forever, was just not meant to be. Believe me, it was a kick in the gut, but I figured, it was, what it was. I think my heart never mended.
Moving on…
The one thing that I regret the most about my marital situation is that, I was unprepared  for how to deal with the way people change. I mean it’s inevitable, people change! I am sure that I have changed. I haven’t been true to myself for years. I am trying to find myself, wondering whether I am ready to tear down the walls and quit looking through the windows.
I need to learn that it’s ok to be me. No matter what people might think/say.
I speak before thinking. I am far too sarcastic. I am way too critical on myself. I feel like I have SO much to offer, yet… I don’t feel I am in the zone.  I am not ready to let the outside, in…yet.

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