the line

I thought the line was drawn; I believed he saw the light, turns out I was wrong and I didn’t win the fight.
It seems the water washed ashore and wiped the line away, I am building myself back up again, getting stronger every day.
While it’s not my battle to be won, and a tear rolls down my cheek, I stop and say a little prayer because God is big & strong -and you, my friend are weak.
Wishing you all the strength you need to overcome your fear; I hope you figure out that your family’s love & happiness is better than the beer.

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battle

dear sugar.
i hate the hold you have on me. i don’t expect this new road to be easy, but right now i am so pissed that you have me in the same category as a cocaine addict. 

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today, I decided to get up and tackle you. I am not going cold turkey, mainly b/c I am weak.
I didn’t change my coffee.
I did choose not to put jam on my toast.
I chose to drink water all day and ignore the carton ofcold resfreshing chocolate milk that was tauntilizing me.
I chose to snack here & there on a handful of mixed seeds & nuts, while the cookies stayed on the shelf.
I opted for bulkan style yogurt, a banana, apple & cheddar cheese.
after school, I had a complete brainfart and had a piece of easter chocolate *Ack!!!

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I freaked and spat it out.
Supper was half a tacitto.
After the CS Council meeting I was still hungry so I ate a bowl of raisin bran.
This is NOT going to be easy.
Screw you sugar!

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I have no intentions that this is some fad diet, it’s just me… doing my thing!
might even check this ebook link out.

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walls or windows

Seems no matter which way I turn there are walls or windows. I take pleasure in turning to God for answers; I do admit, i wish the answers were more clear. I think sometimes they are as ‘clear as windows’ but I am missing it. I taught myself, that when I beg pray for things to ‘go my way’, and they don’t, that it just means that the answer is simply, NO. I came to terms that, the one person that I adored more than anyone else in my forever, was just not meant to be. Believe me, it was a kick in the gut, but I figured, it was, what it was. I think my heart never mended.
Moving on…
The one thing that I regret the most about my marital situation is that, I was unprepared  for how to deal with the way people change. I mean it’s inevitable, people change! I am sure that I have changed. I haven’t been true to myself for years. I am trying to find myself, wondering whether I am ready to tear down the walls and quit looking through the windows.
I need to learn that it’s ok to be me. No matter what people might think/say.
I speak before thinking. I am far too sarcastic. I am way too critical on myself. I feel like I have SO much to offer, yet… I don’t feel I am in the zone.  I am not ready to let the outside, in…yet.

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dental

i am a minority, i am sure.
i don’t mind going to the dentist.
if i have to get any dental work done, i MUST HAVE freezing; and there is no such thing as ‘enough’. if i could have my teeth feel as they do when the nerves are ‘frozen’, that would be awesome!
however.
not so awesome; i swear they are competing, to see how many instruments they can cram into my mouth. I had a mr. thirsty (don’t act like you don’t know who mr. thirsty is!) i not only had one hanging off the side of my mouth, but also another that was on-site. Then there’s the watergun, seriously, could they get that water any colder??? Moving along to the actual tools the dentist uses… drills, mirror, scraping tools, needles and who knows what else! I have become wise with my age, I have issues with TMJ so I take an ibuprophen before the appointment and ask for this little thing called ‘the block’ -if you have to have dental work done, and have issues holding your jaw open for a while, ask demand, the block! you will thank me!
The sh!tty part about the dentist, the later. the hours later… when majority of the freezing is gone and the pain sets in. the site of the needle, it aches.
feels like i was punched in the face. (not that i would know what that feels like…) I am glad the dentistry is done for a while. I do have the best dentist!

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reminder to self

i’ve been feeling kinda shitty lately, in the head, as in mental illness. I have a crapload of negative self talk, i bet somedays i have a full on family in my head alone.
it sucks.
whatever.
after a few days (and enough chocolate) i usually come around…
today was a good day.
i had more happy thoughts that not and I found myself picking up on subtle, positive reminders.
Spent time in my paper crafting space… it had been a while.

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favorite mistake

I ♥{LOVE}♥ Cheryl Crow’s songs.
The lyrics to many of her songs, boldly scream at me.
Lately I have been doing a lot of thought processing, it is NOT an easy feat! I had an Ah-Ha! moment today; When I was younger (aka: a kid) I never worried much about vanity. I seldom (if ever) would take up mirror space during or after hand washing, it wasn’t that I didn’t care, I just figured people should like me for who I am, not what I look/or pretend to look like.  I don’t recall needing attention, but probably b/c I already got it. 
While I have been soul searching, the same people continue to flood my thoughts.
People that cared.
People that accepted me, just as I was/am. I don’t fake it. If I don’t ‘get-it’ I am ok with asking, regardless how many times or dumb it is of me to not catch on, everytime.
I am learning on this journey, that I need to reel it all back in.
I need to be the real me.
Just as I am!
I am creative, funny, caring, eclectic and humble.
Heck!
who wouldn’t want me in their life? 😉

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stinkin’ thinkin’

my mind races,
thoughts never stop.
the what ifs, whys & hows,
seems like the only break i get is when i’m deep in sleep.
i often feel alone with my thoughts and they’re always so full of doubt.
when i try to open up,
too often i’m shut out.
it’s no wonder i trudge forward,
when most would just give up.

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