football

Ok, I admit, I pushed my kid into playing football. It’s not like I am squishing him into a ruffly pink tu-tu and forcing him to prance around with his junk on display. I mean, I am I really doing him and the rest of the world a huge favor.
As anyone knows a kid with rural roots flowing through his veins has absolutely no place dancing around. Don’t be mislead, my kid has NO desire to be a fancy prancy dancer!
I just have a strong belief that, since I did my part in ruining my parts for pretty much ever, the LEAST he can do is play the damn sport I enjoy!
The drama that I get before practices is rather pathetically performed, and completely hilarious if you can see past the annoyance.
Never does my son complain about shitting 5 times a day, seldom does he complain about a genuine headache… But! On football nights, I hear it all. This evening was truly a moment that should have been preserved.
He had a migraine.
a migraine.
SERIOUSLY? Is THAT the best you’ve got??
you do know I am thee migraine queen. I KNOW a migraine a mile away, and covering your head with a quilt while crashing into shit all around the house, while trying hard to hide the fit of giggles is SO NOT a migraine.
Son, right now you might think you hate me for pushing you to play a sport that I enjoy, but what you don’t see is that it’s building your self esteem. You are learning to step out of your comfort zone and you are learning to respect the limits that you can reach. I know that you’d rather be sitting at home on the couch watching tv, but that is part of the reason I push you. You’ll thank me one day!
It might not be til I’m dead, but you will thank me 😉

Aug. 21- thoughts

I often wonder when I will feel genuine happiness again. I feel like while I go through days, one after the next, it’s not that I feel unhappy, however I just wonder if there is more that I am missing.
It seems that Steve and I lack in communication, be it important or just random chit chat. Am I to blame? Am I so difficult to communicate with?
I am easy going.
I am funny.
I love making people laugh and relax.
I enjoy nature.
I am creative.
I have and use logic and common sense.
I am compassionate.
I am sensitive.
I am not afraid to speak my mind.
All these things, and yet I still strive to meet the expectations of others.

dear teacher…

dear teacher,
today among all the chaos of new routine & new students, you might not realize you have someone with you that means the world to me.
i am not an average mom. i don’t look forward to back to school.
i dread it actually.
i want you to know, that i pray for you. not only for your sanity among the chaos, but that you will remember to look at each situation as a fresh new one. for each pair of those eyes looking up to you to learn something new, or to test how far you will bend. i pray that when you are taken off track by a student that has something to share, you will give them that minute, as it might possibly be the only positive attention they get. please listen to the ideas of your students, and if they just don’t *get it*, please seek an alternative method or approach. i believe that, just because we are all humans, we are created intricately and unique.

i pray for a successful year.
-with love,
a mom ♡

Life

We spend barely a few of our years as complete dependants on others to take care of us. Before long we become mobile and learn one form or another of communicating with other humans. Provided we are lucky enough to live in a place where we have safe shelter, drinkable water and food at the ready, we spend a few years of our lives being free from the future stresses life holds. This time frame is known to most as childhood. It can be challenging at times. Trying to fit in among peers; even doing things that are against your better judgement. Growing older is inevitable, making choices along the way can make or break you. If you have true friends, they won’t leave you. You should never feel that you are alone in this life.
While you are a kid, be a kid!
Looking at life from birth to it’s end, you spend most of your days as an adult. Find what makes you happy, if you don’t find peace within your skin; seek help. Sometimes a chat with someone that you look up to might help you to see things from a different perspective. Offer your time to somebody that is in need. It really does build your esteem/confidence & can possibly help you to see the future as perhaps you didn’t before.
Life. It can be like a bowl full of cherries. Whether they are sweet or sour is up to your perspective.
I have mental illness. When my days are dark, I zombie on. I continually push myself to remember -It could be worse. That stupid phrase has gotten me through a lot of days.
The bowl of cherries in the days of my youth, were a mix. When they were sweet they were SAH-WEET! however, I wouldn’t, couldn’t, enjoy it all, as it was always temporary.
If I can help #onehuman at a time, My bowl will be full of perfect cherries.
I want to help and you can too #onehuman at a time.

Fear

It occurred to me today, over the years of my life, I have spent a wealth of time in my own thoughts. Today while enjoying some time to myself, crocheting in our (insanely hot) backyard, I found myself deep in thought…*again*
Where am I at?
What am I looking for in my life?
Am I on the right path?
Everytime I feel that I am inching closer to success I freeze.
I fear success.
It happens in other instances too; like when I am excited about an upcoming event, I {LOVE} the anticipation leading up to it, then right before the event -I get a feeling of anguish. Rather than enjoying the moments, I find myself sad and overwhelmed that the moment is fleeting.

Similar to the fear of success.
Only different.

strength within

Reminders, often hit me. HARD. I am trying to keep focused, it’s not easy. A song, a place or even a stranger send my mind spinning. I am trying to stay focused – it is NOT easy.

times-a-flyin’

time goes by so fast.
I mostly see this in my children.

       every single day, they change.
They remind me to stress less and live more…I am so blessed, they are amazing and they make me proud! ♥

the line

I thought the line was drawn; I believed he saw the light, turns out I was wrong and I didn’t win the fight.
It seems the water washed ashore and wiped the line away, I am building myself back up again, getting stronger every day.
While it’s not my battle to be won, and a tear rolls down my cheek, I stop and say a little prayer because God is big & strong -and you, my friend are weak.
Wishing you all the strength you need to overcome your fear; I hope you figure out that your family’s love & happiness is better than the beer.

battle

dear sugar.
i hate the hold you have on me. i don’t expect this new road to be easy, but right now i am so pissed that you have me in the same category as a cocaine addict. 

today, I decided to get up and tackle you. I am not going cold turkey, mainly b/c I am weak.
I didn’t change my coffee.
I did choose not to put jam on my toast.
I chose to drink water all day and ignore the carton ofcold resfreshing chocolate milk that was tauntilizing me.
I chose to snack here & there on a handful of mixed seeds & nuts, while the cookies stayed on the shelf.
I opted for bulkan style yogurt, a banana, apple & cheddar cheese.
after school, I had a complete brainfart and had a piece of easter chocolate *Ack!!!

I freaked and spat it out.
Supper was half a tacitto.
After the CS Council meeting I was still hungry so I ate a bowl of raisin bran.
This is NOT going to be easy.
Screw you sugar!

I have no intentions that this is some fad diet, it’s just me… doing my thing!
might even check this ebook link out.

walls or windows

Seems no matter which way I turn there are walls or windows. I take pleasure in turning to God for answers; I do admit, i wish the answers were more clear. I think sometimes they are as ‘clear as windows’ but I am missing it. I taught myself, that when I beg pray for things to ‘go my way’, and they don’t, that it just means that the answer is simply, NO. I came to terms that, the one person that I adored more than anyone else in my forever, was just not meant to be. Believe me, it was a kick in the gut, but I figured, it was, what it was. I think my heart never mended.
Moving on…
The one thing that I regret the most about my marital situation is that, I was unprepared  for how to deal with the way people change. I mean it’s inevitable, people change! I am sure that I have changed. I haven’t been true to myself for years. I am trying to find myself, wondering whether I am ready to tear down the walls and quit looking through the windows.
I need to learn that it’s ok to be me. No matter what people might think/say.
I speak before thinking. I am far too sarcastic. I am way too critical on myself. I feel like I have SO much to offer, yet… I don’t feel I am in the zone.  I am not ready to let the outside, in…yet.